Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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