Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
