You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
