Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
