She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
There are leaves in my underwear?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
