You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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