Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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