dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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