I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
