she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
