I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
