I wish my penis had an off switch
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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