Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
