I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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