My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
