Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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