How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
