y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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