I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize