I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
