I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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