I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
