Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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