My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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