Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
