I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Jerry, you need to find god
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
