what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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