Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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