Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
