I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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