There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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