Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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