gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize