I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Randomize
