fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
