Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize