you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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