i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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