I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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