you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
