My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
