The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
