Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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