I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
