I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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