When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
