you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
