Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
