Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
