Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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