I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
