Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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