Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Will you blow on my dice?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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