true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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