I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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