I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
where are my eyebrows?
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