I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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