I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
