The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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